Fading into the Background

A couple of weeks ago, Pastor Kyle talked about Where’s Waldo and how easy it was for people to fade into the background. Waldo and Jesus can be overlooked in all the “busy-ness” around them. He also talked about how the artist would draw in Waldo last but Jesus was different because Jesus wasn’t an afterthought. He is always with us.

This reminded me of my years when I was a student. I was very quiet and didn’t want any attention drawn to me. I wanted to fade away in the background. Sitting in the rows of desks, I would try to hide my body behind the person in front of me. I never raised my hand to answer questions even if I knew the answer. The reason I did this was that I was scared. For many years, I faced a lot of bullying and hoped that if the bullies didn’t notice me, they would leave me alone.

I was also afraid of failure and giving the wrong answer. If I did this, it would also cause the teacher to pay attention to me. I felt that my parents expected me to be perfect. Making a mistake would disappoint my parents and I would be crushed.

I just wanted to survive my school years and I feared that if I didn’t fade into the background, I wouldn’t make it.

This had me thinking about many of my students. I’m not talking about the students who act out or craze attention. Some of my students were very quiet and withdrawn. Many of my students were bullied because they had special needs. Other students picked on them because they were different. Some of my students had years of difficulties in school, so they saw my class as just one more year of more difficulty.

As a teacher, I would try to seek these students out. I didn’t want them to feel like an afterthought. I wanted my students to feel safe and not overlooked. If they were being bullied, I wanted them to feel safe. I wanted them to see that I noticed what was happening and would stop the situation. I also didn’t want my students to feel afraid of making mistakes. I wanted them to see that these were just learning opportunities. An error should not be a terror.

I wanted to be like Jesus and show my students that I would be there for them. They were not alone. I didn’t want my students to have the same school experience that I grew up with. I wanted to be their safety net and show them that learning opened the door to so many possibilities. I wanted to help them face the bullies and stand up to them. I wanted to help them face the fear of failure and overcome this obstacle that keeps them from learning.  Together, we can be successful because no one walks alone. 

Do you see these students in your classes? How do you help them? Please share.

National Stop Bullying Day

October 12, 2022, is National Stop Bullying Day.

When I was growing up, I was bullied at school. I was bullied because I was the only Chinese girl at school and I was different. I think children tend to treat those who are different badly unless they are taught not to do this. When I was in school, our country was getting into the Vietnam War and people did not treat Asians well. It was tough for me going through school but as I was repeatedly told, what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.

As I look back at those years, I wonder why no adult ever intervened. Maybe they believed that it would make me stronger. Maybe they quietly agreed with the bullying but I hope not.

It wasn’t until the 1970s that the topic of bullying began to be researched. By then I was ending my public school career and moving on to college. College was so much better and life was good. I didn’t experience any bullying in college, thank goodness.

I’m glad to see in today’s society we are teaching students not to bully and we are teaching those who are bullied to stand up for themselves. We are also teaching those who see bullying to stand up for those that need help.

I think it is essential to discuss this in class with all ages of students. It is important to identify acts of bullying and make a list of these. Students share their ideas of what they think bullying is. Then I would discuss what the person being bullied can do. Next, I would encourage students to talk about what should be done if they witness an act of bullying. The more these discussions happen, the easier it will be to stop bullying.

How do you teach about stopping bullying? Please share.

Photo by Ilayza on Unsplash

Negative Peer Relationships

In this article, “ Not all unkindness is bullying. Here’s why we need to teach kids to differentiate.”, Braden Bell states,

“If we write every unpleasant encounter off as bullying, we don’t prepare them well.”

As teachers, it is so easy to get caught up in this major anti-bullying movement and forget that we also need to teach about natural peer relationships.

Not every negative peer action is bullying and should not be taught that it is so.

We set our students up for failure when we allow non-bullying behaviors to be labeled as bullying.

As a parent, I hate to see my own children hurt and it is easy to see any negative action towards my child as bullying. I’m not sure that I really believe this or that lately, it is easier to join the bandwagon on this.

So, I have to understand when parents call to complain that a student in the classroom is bullying their child.

When this happens, I need to assure that I take this very seriously and I will investigate the situation. I promise to let the parent know the result of my investigation. This is an important step in building trust and rapport with the parents. Follow through with my promises is also vital.

The author of the article also shares that,

“Stopbullying.gov defines bullying as “unwanted, aggressive behavior among school-aged children.” According to the site, it must include an imbalance of power (whether it’s strength, popularity, or access to information), and is a behavior that happens repeatedly or could be repeated. “Bullying includes actions such as making threats, spreading rumors, attacking someone physically or verbally and excluding someone from a group on purpose,” the site says.”

Once I get both sides of the story, I need to see if all of the elements of bullying are evident. If they aren’t, then I need to conclude that this was just a negative peer relationship. If they are, then I need to refer this to the administration to be dealt with according to school policy.

When I talk to the parents about this being a negative peer relationship, I start off with sharing the definition of bullying, as stated above. Then I go through the behavior of the students and explain why this situation is not seen as bullying. I  also explain that by mislabeling this situation, we could be causing more harm than good.

We don’t want our students to feel like victims and they will if we teach them that every negative peer relationship is bullying. In the workplace and in society, we will have negative peer relationships and this is natural in any society. We can’t eliminate this by treating everything as bullying.

I’m afraid if we overlabel situations as bullying, we are also telling our students that they are not capable of handling this by themselves and need a person with more power to deal with it. We are teaching them learned helplessness. This could cause problems in the workplace and in personal relationships.

We need to teach our students coping skills and how to deal with negative peer relationships.

Some examples would be:

Tell the other person that you feel hurt and why you feel this way.

Write this person a note about how you are feeling.

Don’t be accusatory and share how this situation is making you feel.

Walk away from this other person and keep your distance.

Ask this person to leave you alone and stop communicating with this person.

If the negative behavior continues, then this might become a different situation and could turn into bullying but we should not treat every situation as if it is bullying from the start if it isn’t necessary.

How do you differentiate the two types of situations? Please share.

Photo by Janko Ferlič on Unsplash

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Take Action Against Bullies

In Bullies: Let’s Do More Than Ignore from Lisa Nielsen: The Innovative Educator, Lisa Nielsen states,

“WE CAN DO BETTER than ignoring hurtful behavior. We can make a difference. To do that, we must acknowledge and stand up to it. Together we can make it clear that while we embrace differing views, degrading and demeaning attacks that harm people and the work they are doing, will not be tolerated in our communities.”

I totally agree with this sentiment! Adults need to step in and take action. They do not need to stand on the sidelines and watch hurtful behavior because it only empowers the bully.

When I was younger I was bullied and I think that is what makes me timid about sharing my opinions in public. It makes me very cautious about the mob mentality when I disagree with someone. I wish I didn’t feel this way but I can’t change how I feel even though I know better. 

I don’t want students to end up feeling this way like I do. They shouldn’t ever feel afraid to share their opinions even if they disagree with the majority as long as they share appropriately. By doing this, they might be able to change other people’s opinions and their thoughts may actually solve a problem that others can’t solve.

When I was being bullied, I too was told to ignore the bullies but I can’t tell you how many times I wanted an adult to step in. Back then; people said it would make me stronger to solve this problem by myself. I can tell you firsthand that it doesn’t work that way. Instead it makes the victim withdraw and feel isolated. I used to daydream that some superhero would one day rescue me. When I got in high school I used to dream that some wonderful guy would come to my defense but it never happened. I did what the adults told me to do and just ignored them. One of the ways I ignored them was by trying to fade into the woodwork. I tried to make sure I wasn’t noticed and I didn’t speak out. I didn’t share my opinions in case it didn’t agree with the bullies.

I urge teachers to step in when they see bullying. Help the victims because they are not strong enough to help themselves. If the victims feel like they aren’t alone, it will help them feel stronger. Once they start feeling stronger, it will build confidence and with that confidence, they may be able to stand up to the bully. Ignoring the bully only helps the bully become stronger. I never saw an instance of ignoring a bullying making them go away or help the victim.

I have felt bullied at work when I don’t want to join the faculty in doing something I don’t feel comfortable doing or don’t believe in. Adults may call this peer pressure but I see it as bullying when the pressure makes me feel uncomfortable doing something I don’t think is right, Now as an adult, when I’m feeling bullied, I force myself to dig my heels in and stand up for myself. Of course it helps that my husband backs me up so I don’t feel so alone.

How do you handle bullying when you see it with students? How do you handle it when you see other adults being bullied? Please share.

Let It Go

In Sometimes You Should Take A Little…. From Ideas and Thoughts, Dean Shareski shares,

“I believe that sometimes it’s okay not to stand up for yourself.”

This really struck home with me. We talk so much about bullying and standing up to bullies that I think some students feel bad about themselves if they don’t stand up to the bullies. But we need to let them know that there are two options and not just that one. And the choice that works best for them is the right choice.

Growing up, I was bullied pretty often. I hated it but the school, the teachers, and my peers did nothing about it.  I didn’t even do anything about it. I know they all knew about it but nobody would acknowledge that it was happening so at the time I wondered if I was just imagining things. Of course, after being stuffed in a big locker a few times was proof that I wasn’t making this up. I just let it go. That is how I survived. I decided that to stand up to the bully was giving the bully too much importance. Maybe I was wrong and maybe I wasn’t.

I noticed that the bullies changed faces and wasn’t the same one every time. If I stood up to one, I would have continued throughout my school career standing up to all of them over and over. I didn’t have the energy or the desire to spend my time doing that. I just wanted them to leave me alone. So, for my peace of mind, I just let it go. Usually the bully tired of messing with me and moved on to someone else. I think the bully was bored with me and didn’t find any entertainment because I refused to respond.

Maybe others saw me as a coward or maybe they thought I was crazy but as I said, it worked for me. I still got angry. I still got scared. But I was determined not to give them power over me and make me respond on the same level they did. Eventually all of them left me alone because I don’t think my response was the one they expected.

As an adult, there are many times someone does something that isn’t fair and I want to scream at them, but I just ignore them. I remind myself that it is too much energy to waste on someone like that. Sometimes I do stand up to them. But now I know that I have the ability to do either one. I control my reactions and I can choose to let it go.

It would have been nice to hear someone support my decision as a student.  Now as I look back, I really believe that I had made the right decision. By letting things go by choice helped me become stronger in the face of future injustices.  

How many students today feel the same way? How can I support them? I feel the best way is to have discussions about it and sharing my story. Let students know that they have a choice but they need to be in control of their choices. I believe being in control of my own actions is more important than standing up for myself.

What do you think? Do you think that students should be told that they can choose to let it go? Please share.