Global Forgiveness Day

Today is Global Forgiveness Day.

Forgiveness is one of the things that I struggle with. I think because I’m not sure what forgiveness actually is. I’ve heard people say that they could forgive but not forget. Does forgiveness mean that you continue to let the other person hurt you? If I avoid this person in the future, does that mean that I really don’t forgive them?

When I try to find a concrete definition for forgiveness, there seem to be many different interpretations.

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, forgiveness means “to cease to feel resentment against (an offender)”

According to the Mayo Clinic, “Forgiveness means different things to different people. Generally, however, it involves a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge.”

According to Dr. Ned Hallowell, there are 4 steps to forgiveness:

• Pain and Hurt - acknowledging what happened.
• Relive and reflect - free yourself from the poison of hatred.
• Working it out - analyze your anger and put your life back into perspective.
• Renounce your anger and resentment

There have been people that have hurt me and I believe that I’ve put it behind me. I don’t feel resentment or revenge against the person so is that forgiveness? But if I never want to be around them again or trust them, have I really forgiven them? Do I have to allow them in my life in order for it to be considered forgiveness?

I know God expects us to forgive and when I recite the Lord’s Prayer, I say, “forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us…” I know God wants us to turn the other cheek but my self-preservation kicks in and won’t let me.

I don’t have the answers to any of these questions and I’m not sure anyone really does. But I think it is important to think about it and try to forgive others. I hope that I haven’t intentionally hurt anyone for them to feel resentment or revenge but I’m not sure that I would ever know about it. I’m not perfect so I hope that those people I unintentionally hurt have forgiven me.

This makes me think twice when I expect students who are angry with each other to make up and get along. If it is so hard for me, why do I think it will be easier for them. Yet, I need to teach them that when they get into the workplace, they may have to figure out a way to do this in order to work with someone they don't get long with.   

How do you teach forgiveness? Please share. 

Photo by Alex Shute on Unsplash

It’s a Small World

In “Don’t pee in the pool” from Seth Godin's Blog, Seth Godin states,

“It turns out that the pool/river/tub that we live in is far smaller than it seems. The culture of the place we work, the vibe of the community where we live. It’s all more connected than we realize.”

This reminds me of the “six degrees of separation” theory where “all people are six, or fewer, social connections away from each other. As a result, a chain of "a friend of a friend" statements can be made to connect any two people in a maximum of six steps.”

Years ago, I was on a Caribbean cruise and happened to meet this lady on the deck who looked familiar. She happened to be a parent of one of my students!

When we were in China years ago, a man called out to my husband in the lobby of the hotel. We found out that he lived in our town and recognized us.

While in Italy, we were on a public bus talking to another couple visiting Italy. They didn’t live in our state but they happened to know our friends who lived in our town.

So, when we have a problem with someone, it is good to remember that we may somehow be connected to them through friends and family. I try to take the high road when necessary and bite my tongue when I want to respond in a nasty way. It never hurts to remember that I respect myself and I don’t need to lower myself to their level.

My mother always told me not to burn my bridges in order to keep opportunities open. So, by controlling my emotions and my words, I am keeping opportunities open.

This is an important skill to teach my students. There are many times you want to say the things you shouldn’t but think of the future? Will I someday cross paths with this person again? Could he/she possibly interview me for a job? Could this person end up being my boss one day? Could this person be related to a close friend that I have? There are thousands of possibilities of how you may end up being connected to this person!

Have you met people who were somehow connected to someone you know? Please share.

Photo by John Barkiple on Unsplash

The Day I Got Angry

In Is It Ever Okay For Teachers To Get Angry With Students? From  @DavidGeurin Blog, David Geurin asks,

“What do you think? Did I go too far in yelling at the kids? In general, I would say it's never appropriate to yell. How else could I have handled this situation? What are your thoughts on dealing with your anger as an educator?”

I usually pride myself on staying calm in the classroom and do not usually raise my voice or get angry in front of my students. I tell them we all may get frustrated and annoyed but I don’t usually get angry. If I raise my voice or my body language shows I’m frustrated, I know that I can work to find some kind of solution. I might need help or I might need to take a break but this is solvable. To me, angry is a useless emotion that has very little redeeming qualities other than to let off steam. The after effect usually makes me feel tired, depressed, and not very productive.

One day, many years ago, I took my students to the local zoo. We went with another class from our high school along with a large group of small children. My class went our separate way from the other class once we got to the zoo and we had a good time. When lunch time came, some of my older boys had forgotten their lunch so I allowed them to go to the concession stand to get lunch while I stayed with the rest of the class at the picnic shelter. They were gone for a long time and seemed like forever so I gathered up the rest of my class and we went back into the zoo to look for them. I was filled with so much worry that something happened to them. I didn’t know if someone had gotten hurt or in trouble but I felt frantic. Eventually I saw the boys heading to me, laughing and having a good time without a care in the world. This made me so angry that when they approached me, I know I looked like a thunder cloud! In fact, they were scared and thought about going the other way but I screeched like a witch for them to not move another step! When I caught up to them, I unloaded both barrels. Then we all walked back to the picnic shelter where I tried to calm down and they looked sad and scared to death. Keep in mind that most of these kids were all bigger and taller than me so looking back, I bet we looked like a wild group!

Eventually I calmed down and apologized to them for losing my cool and explained about how worried and scared I was. Later, a parent with a child in a stroller came up to me and let me know that all the boys were perfectly behaved and ate their lunch at the concession stand. They didn’t know that I expected them to return and eat their lunches with me. In fact, I’m not sure they could leave that area with food. After this conversation, I felt so bad.

I must have made a big impression on them because for many years after, the older students passed on this message to the next class, “Remember the Zoo!” with an ominous tone and warning not to make me mad!

It was not one of my proudest moments. In fact, as much as they remembered how angry I was, I also remembered so that I didn’t repeat the performance. I just hope and pray that this is not the only way my students will remember me and the time that they have spent in my class.

I was lucky in all my classes because even though I wanted to make a difference in their lives, they really made a difference in mine. Many of my students made a lasting impact on my life and I believe they have made me a better teacher and a better person. What is amazing is that I’m still in touch with many of them through social media even though it has been years since I’ve seen them.

So, to be honest, I don’t think it is okay for a teacher to get angry, but sometimes it happens. Teachers are only human and it can’t be helped. When it happens, it is time to admit a mistake was made and apologize. Recognize it so that the situation doesn’t happen again, learn from it, and move forward from there.

What do you think? Do you think it is okay for a teacher to get angry with students? Please share.

Changing My Own Behavior First

In Adult Discipline, Not Kid Discipline from Practical Theory, Chris Lehmann talks about how adults can change their own behaviors instead of creating more rules. This change of behavior will affect the students’ behavior, which means less discipline is needed. He says,

“It’s one more way we help students focus on their learning, rather than wasting their time trying to figure out the adults and play “the game of school.” And again, it’s one more thing we can do that will have its most profound effect on the kids who have historically been least served by school.”

This is a prime example of how we can change our own behavior better than we can directly change others. This change in ourselves will affect others though and hopefully, if we do it effectively, this can be a positive change for all.

I remember many times have a situation with a student when I asked him a question about his classwork and he was in a bad mood which caused him to blow up at me. This made the whole situation escalate into a major problem. I was angry and he was angry so it turned into a power struggle. After we both calmed down and was able to discuss the situation better, I found out that he was experiencing some problems at home and he was not trying to get out of doing work. This had me thinking about how I act when I have some personal problems and what I could do to help situations like this.

I decided to have 2 small stuffed animals and explained to the class that one was a signal to them that I was in a great mood and all was well while the other meant I was feeling out of sorts. When the “out of sorts” one was on my desk, they needed to be a little sensitive and try not to push my buttons. I didn’t get that one out much (maybe once a year) but I noticed that once in a while, one of my students would ask if they could borrow it to put on their desk. This helped me when interacting with my students and kept the problem situations to a minimum.

I was amazed that this little shift in my own behavior could make such a big difference. I know it is very easy for me to react to students but I need to take a step back when there is a discipline problem and see if I can approach it from a different way. I want to think about my own behavior leading up to the problem and see if I can act differently to keep this situation from happening again.

Did you ever have a situation where you were able to change your behavior to help students behave better? Please share.

An Angry Role Model

In When you're angry from Cool Cat Teacher Blog by coolcatteacher@gmail.com, Victoria A Davis, Cool Cat Teacher asks,

“What are your tips for when you get really really angry so that you can be a professional, an adult, and do the right thing?”

I have to admit that in 30 years of teaching, I think I have only been furious twice and super angry once. When I get furious, I cry and when I cry, watch out! I remember even going into my assistant principal’s office, shutting the door and warning him that I was going to cry because I was so furious. He looked kind of worried but I let him know my feelings. Another time I remember yelling at my students at the zoo but because I had “lost” them and I was so worried about them. Later I even apologized for my behavior but it was one that they never forgot and even passed the word on to students in years after.

I don’t feel like losing my cool is a good way to be a role model for my students. I am supposed to show them that there is an appropriate way to handle their emotions. By losing my cool, I am showing them how not to behave. Yet, I think I also showed them that I was human too. I wasn’t proud of myself during these time but it is in the past and there is nothing I can do about it.

During one of those furious times, I remember needing to move around physically to defuse my emotions. My classroom was in a portable behind the school (where they usually delegated special education self contained classes). After lunch, my class resumed and I had a horrible encounter with a fellow colleague. I had to tell my class to begin their classwork while I walked laps around the building. They all were quite concerned about me but before long, I was able to return and apologize for needing some space.

Even though I think I didn’t set a good example for a role model, I did show them one way to deal with my anger which didn’t involve violent behavior or words to another person.

I think it would be a good idea to help students plan for this type of situation. Ask them to think about a time when they were so furious. Talk about inappropriate behavior they might show as a reaction to this anger. Then discuss appropriate ways to handle anger. Even role play how to act this way. I think the more practice they have with the behavior; the easier it will be to actually act this way if the situation ever occurs. We hope the same thing happens when we do fire or tornado drills.

How do you handle your anger? How do you explain it to your students? What behavior do you show in order to be a positive role model for your students? Please share.

Image: 'scream and shout'
http://www.flickr.com/photos/91883096@N00/3766009204
Found on flickrcc.net

5 Ways to Handle a Bad Day

In Having a Bad Day? Not feeling too well? Suck it up! from Tips For New Teachers and Student Teachers, Sam shares,

“Our students come into our classes expecting to learn something new each day. It’s our job to make sure they get a quality education – every day, not just on those days we feel good. So to all you new teachers out there, having a bad day? Suck it up and teach. The kids deserve our best.”

When I read this, I couldn’t agree with this more. In fact, I wanted to jump and down and cheer. I’m so glad to hear another person say this!

I can’t tell you over 30 years how many times I have had to teach on a bad day that I was having. But the important thing is that I get past my bad day and do my job. Not just do my job in order to get a paycheck but do my job effectively.

This made me think of a conversation I had last night with a friend of mine. He went to get “fixed” (his words not mine) and on the day of the surgery, they arrived to find out the doctor was resting after having had a seizure. When the doctor came to see him, the doctor had something that looked like an ice pack on his shoulder and was limping towards my friend. Obviously the doctor was having a bad day. Now I don’t know about you, but I know if it was me, I would have been out of there! Yet, my friend had the surgery and everything turned out okay. (Luckily, I think, but no one asked me!). I’m sure that there are other doctors out there that have had a bad day and continued to do their job. But I hope if that doctor is ever operating on me, he handles his bad day appropriately and does his job the best that he can.

I feel that I am the same way about my students. I may be having a bad day but how I handle it is important because what I say and do will affect young minds possibly for the rest of their lives.

Here are some ways that I handle having a bad day.

1. Stop for 5 minutes some place I can be alone. Shut off or dim the lights. I start doing some deep breathing exercises and think of somewhere I love to be. This helps calm me down and get past my bad feelings.

2. If I have time, I walk to get rid of my pent up negative energy. I can walk during my lunch break or my planning. I know that if I don’t get rid of my negative energy, I am wasting my time trying to do any effective planning.

3. If I have time, I write about the thing that is causing me problems. Sometimes this helps me to get the negative feelings out of my system. Once I write it all out, the negative feelings aren’t there to fester like a wound.

4. Talk to others and get there perspective. Sometimes I am seeing it with a narrow mind and making the situation worse than it really is. This helps give me a reality check.

5. I have two small stuffed animals. One is a mean bull and the other is a pink dragon. On most days, the pink dragon sits on my desk but if I am having a bad day, I put the bull on my desk and it lets my students know that I’m having a rough day. Usually they see this and want to show their love and support so much that I end up eventually putting my pink dragon back out. I also let them know how much they help change my mood. Students can be very sensitive if I let them be and it shows them that I am human too. I have also had students ask if they can borrow the bull when they are having a bad day. This lets the other students know to give them space too.

How do you handle a bad day so that you can do your best job at teaching? Please share!

Posted on the Successful Teaching Blog by loonyhiker (successfulteaching at gmail dot com).

Original image: 'Angry Face'
http://www.flickr.com/photos/32104175@N00/995290158 by: Pietro Jr

It’s Not About You

In David Byrne is angry with me from Seth's Blog, Seth Godin writes,

“The next time you're sure someone is angry with you, perhaps it's worth considering that you might be mistaken. Perhaps that customer or prospect or boss has better things to do than being angry with you. Each of us has a huge agenda, and while it's comforting for some to jump to the conclusion that we've offended, it's far more likely that the person you're talking with merely has something else going on.

In a digital age, our cues for social or marketing missteps might be mistuned. Sometimes, believe it or not, it's not (always) about us. (On the other hand, and just as often, people are annoyed and don't have a clue...)”

During certain times of the year, many teachers are under stress (and sometimes it seems like it is all year long!). Some teachers get stressed out during testing. Special education teachers get stressed out during IEP season. Many get stressed out during holidays. Music teachers get stressed out before a big musical event. Yearbook teachers get stressed before deadlines and yearbook distribution. The end of the year can also be a major stressor. Let’s face it, there are many reasons to get stressed out.

When this happens, teachers tend to snap at each other.

I have mentioned before that sometimes teachers act like the students they teach. I have had to listen to many teenage girls who were crying because their friend was mad at them. When I sat both of them down, I found out that the friend was not mad and had no idea why the girl thought this way. This has also happened with teachers. As head of the department, I have had to act as a mediator between two teachers. It all started as a misunderstanding and one teacher felt that the other was “mad” at her. (I really tried hard not to roll my eyes!).

I have had a principal snap at me before and I wondered what I had done wrong to make him angry. Then later, when I approached him warily, he acted like nothing was wrong. In fact, I don’t think he had any clue that he had snapped at me. Maybe I perceived it in a wrong way. When I mentioned it to him (he was a great communicator and I had no problem sharing things like this with him), he told me that he didn’t think that he had been angry with me but he might have been angry or worried about something else and didn’t realize that he spoke sharply to me.

I think the best way to handle this is to talk to that person. I have always felt that communication was the key.

Sometimes we perceive things one way only to find out that in reality, the opposite was true. But the only way to feel better is to get it out in the open. If I walk around with hurt feelings about something, it only festers like a bad sore. In fact, it will only get worse.

I just need to realize, as Seth Godin says, “it’s not always about me!

Have you ever felt this way? How did you handle it?

Posted on the Successful Teaching Blog by loonyhiker (successfulteaching at gmail dot com).

Original image: 'Dave Wants You'
http://www.flickr.com/photos/20858368@N00/105497713 by: Chris Owens